You know you have been a consultant too long when

When I first joined PricewaterhouseCooper back in 2001, I was sent a guide on when you know you have been a consultant too long.

I happened to see this today when searching for an old email.

YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN A CONSULTANT FOR TOO LONG WHEN:

1) you refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as "deliverables";

2) you can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly what’s wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced;

3) the new client staff come to you for information on how to start the coffee machine;

4) you’ve succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of two major airlines’ flights to your client’s site;

5) you can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can’t remember what you had for breakfast that morning;

6) you have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair;

7) you know all the late night security guards at the client site on a  first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or  "swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose);

8) you use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company’s, the client’s or the software vendor’s;

9) you feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder;

10) the project partner tries to hire you;

11) you forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you really like it in Southfield, MI. (Schaumburg, IL…Bethesda, MD…Norwood, MA…);

12) you say "Whoopee!  Half day!"  when you leave at 10:00PM;

13) your kids point at the phone and say "…that’s the one that’s broken" when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, ’cause you sure don’t look familiar;

14) you start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give you more time at home;

15) you start referring to your laptop by a cute name;

16) you are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren’t on, the bed isn’t turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow;

17) you fantasize about zero-billing;

18) "vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home;

19) you can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at the menu;

20) writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times;

21) you have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at General Cinemas (replace Gen. Cin. with your local movie theater);

22) you have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs of shoes;

23) the media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real (and frightening) meaning for you;

24) you forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car;

25) new staff point at you and say, "… that’s him, that’s the old guy … ";

26) your resume’ looks like a phone book;

27) the client says your rates are too high, and you blush;

28) you introduce yourself to your next door neighbors … again;

29) your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend;

30) you use the word "paradigm" in a sentence;

31) you use the word "granularity" in a sentence;

32) you use the word "robust" in a sentence;

33) someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?";

34) you cry when your laptop won’t start;

35) you carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you ask what it means;

36) when other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a whistle, and say, "…my last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er ….";

37) you have a day off, and you call work because you miss it;

38) you write a workplan for your weekends;

39) someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can’t answer the question;

40) before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the emergency exits are;

41) before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the fasten seatbelts sign is off;

42) you call CTG (computer support group) with a support question just for the entertainment of hearing their answer;

43) a good dinner consists of vending machine snacks;

44) a good lunch consists of vending machine snacks;

45) you insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the month so you can see what you missed;

46) you can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is;

47) you believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get;

48) instant coffee tastes good;

49) you can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get stumped when asked for your home number;

50) you file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks;

51) you’ve been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it  "home";

52) the hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every week (this is not always good);

53) the room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you because they know you’ll be back next week anyway;

54) you know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking guys;

55) you get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you’re OK than you do from your friends;

56) then you realize the hotel staff are you friends;

57) you can list fifty-seven (and counting) reasons why you have been a consultant for too long.

58)  you really think you understand the difference between ‘optics’ and ‘perception’

59)  You try to find friends to fill your personal "white space"

60)  ‘Traction’ becomes really important to you

Posted via email from kyber’s posterous

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